It would seem that the spectre of insomnia is lurking at my shoulder again casting its pall of wakefulness over my nights. Often, it would seem, that it is fueled by worry with money, marriage, and health being the primary targets and in that regard I am no different than anyone else excepting that I am a craftsman. I grind, work, and polish my concerns until they shine with an internal luster, smooth to the touch, but are heavy and cold. Fret is a mild word for my activity. It is more that I hound these affairs through the dark and twisting woods of my mind, treeing and holding them there until they devise an escape.
Single minded, obsessive, driven are all words that friends and family have labeled me with. In some regards that handful of syllables can be applied in a positive fashion. Those qualities are what have made me an excellent project manager; I am unrelenting and will not leave a job undone if tasked with it. Fine qualities in the business world but in one’s personal life where compromise and fluidity are the touchstones of success I find myself as I do at this moment deep in the evening.
I cannot imagine a time in my life where my mind has been still; maybe in those fleeting moments before drifting off to sleep on a warm fall afternoon when the windows are open letting the air, spiced with falling leaves, drift over me. My grumblings for vacations, breaks, and recesses are largely a result of the quickened pace of my thoughts and emotions. To be honest, no vacation has ever satisfied or refreshed–I leave harried and return tired. It is vicious though with age I have learned to channel the energy and mitigate its effects.
The past year has been a good one for finding distractions. This site and Candied Pop are perfect receptacles for pouring in time and energy and while there may not be a tangible return I do find that both have proven to be the perfect distraction for my trips through the woods. Now, if only I could sleep.
I have the same problem sleeping. As soon as I’ve assuaged my worries/obsession with one issue, I move on to the next. The most pathetic instance this week was laying in bed wide awake obsessing over the fact that I’ll have to switch from DirecTV to Cox cable when I move next week. I love the former and despise the latter, but this really isn’t anything to lose sleep over. I don’t even watch that much TV!
Audiobooks in bed have been the best cure for me. They can be a great distraction and when I realize I’ve missed something in the narration, I know my mind’s wandered enough to the point where I’ll actually fall asleep. I started w/ political lectures & non-fiction, but they got me too riled up. Light fiction like Harry Potter seems to work best.
Anything is fair game for fretting, I did the same thing when we switched from Comcast to SBC/Dish. I laid awake playing through my head what I was going to say to the Comcast rep as if I was breaking up with them, “It’s not you, it’s me. I’ve changed. I have different needs now.” Sad, really.
I should try the audio book route as they tend to knock my ass out like two Benadryl’s and three Tylenol PM’s with a warm milk chaser.