Anxiety levels are hitting an all time high as a brief consultation with the calender revealed the relative lack of time remaining before Gabriella’s arrival. I’ve stepped up my scurrying, darting about the house to prepare the nursery. Bikes (sadly) have been moved into the attic and I’ve strung cable to prepare for the move of the servers and DSL line into the Library/Dog Room/Arboretum/Office. Next up is painting the room and re-finishing an old dresser. At the very minimum, these mundane tasks have kept my mind just busy enough to give an illusionary sense of calm but beneath thoughts roil.

During those moments late nights when I lie awake staring at the streetlights splashed on the wall or as I wander about the school yards past sunset with the dog my only companion I find bubbles rising to the surface and popping. Memories of past events, decisions made, opportunities missed, friends and lovers forgotten under the detritus of everyday living. With no pattern each one flits past my consciousness sometimes leaving no more than a fading trail but others seemingly scrape by irritating old wounds in their wake. Capturing or swatting them down is a near impossibility as my mind feels disengaged and not under my control.

Sometimes I feel guilt for letting these thoughts wash over me, particularly when I think about old loves, as if the act of letting these memories drift by up against me is a betrayal of my wife. I suppose that I shouldn’t as these are my memories and of people long gone from my reality but it is an odd an uncomfortable feeling. At times the memories are strong enough that my heart skips as I think I can smell their hair, almost feel their fingertips brush against my chin, or hear their faint whispers in my ear. These ghosts are what knot my stomach as I come to dread those moments alone.

Too much time looking over my shoulder as a reaction to not knowing what lies ahead. Maybe the step over the next threshold will make all those yesterdays seem more distant but for now these moments and memories are leaving me even more tense about the arrival of our child.

Tags: Baby, Pregnancy, Thinking

This entry was posted on Friday, September 8th, 2006 at 9:10 pm and is filed under Family. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.