Jill over at Feministe posted a deep article, Patriarchy Gone Wild, about polygamy in the deep Southwest which resounded and validated all those icky feelings I have had when watching HBO’s Big Love (I am looking forward to seeing what John over at Blurbomat thinks, especially considering that he is an ex-Mormon living among Mormons so he’ll have some unique insights–my insights tend to wander). The trouble that I have with the show is that I cannot separate my personal politics from the storyline enough to be able to relate to the characters as individuals but let me back up and provide a little personal context.

My mother is a strong individual and an even stronger woman who values and strives for independence, mobility, and equality for all peoples regardless of gender, sexual orientation, color, or creed. Growing up, her beliefs left an indelible imprint on how I see the world around me and how I treat others. That upbringing has caused conflict, particularly the simple fact that I count myself as a feminist. How can you be a feminist? Don’t you need to be a woman? Are you some sort of leftist metrosexual? Looking back to my mother, her struggles attuned me to the experiences of women in our society but from the vantage point of someone in a position of privilege. While some would argue that I’m in touch with my pink and frillies it doesn’t change the fact that Feminism, at its essence, deals with the social, political, and economic inequality between genders. One thing I can’t even begin to understand is why Feminism gets people so upset. Is gender quality such a bad thing? However, like all things dealing with equality between peoples it is probably rooted in concepts of command and control.

Management has been drawn into Big Love and it has lead to some candid conversations about my revulsion and her fascination. She exhibits a much stronger ability to compartmentalize than I do so she has been able to watch the show for the interplay between the individual characters while I get hung up in the socio-political ramifications of the story’s environment. My problem is that I see my wife, sister, mother, niece, and every woman I know in the role of the female characters and it turns my stomach. Would I want my 13 year old niece married off to a 65 year old man? Would I dare tell my wife when she can leave the house and whether or not she is allowed to drive? These woman and children are chattel. Used and abused for the personal gratification and convenience of a handful of men. Would I wish that upon anyone? No.

I have a serious problem with people willing to impose their will upon others. Now it could be said that my laissez-faire political leanings could be construed as a loose version of what I abhor but my belief is that all people should be treated equally and to be free to pursue life as they see fit provided others do not come to harm from their actions. It is that last bit where the arguments start. Define harm. Going back to Big Love I see the polygamy situation as one that inhibits the rights of woman and children to self-determination. Physical, sexual, and mental abuse does that and moreover it damages the fabric of society by creating tiers of rights. Those who have them and those who do not. It is about control.

Control: to exercise authoritative or dominating influence. The word just doesn’t sit right with me. Some of you might be snickering for the fact that I have a child on the way and the the concepts of authority and domination will come to the forefront of my life but I still have a problem with it. Control to me belies the notion of absoluteness that it is complete, unconditional, and final. That concept, in my mind, is at odds with my predilection for nurturing, guiding, and encouraging. Control is diametrically opposed to self-determination and the notion of equality. Child rearing arguments aside, I do not want my child to grow up believing that they are better or worse than anyone else on this planet that they control or are controlled by others. Self-worth is derived from within not from without.

So there it is, my hang up is with a television show populated by fictional characters and places. Now, I suppose that it could be construed as good TV since it has challenged Management and I to think about the lives and world that it is describing and how that fits into our personal and shared world views. At the end of the day, though, it still makes me uncomfortable in a very icky sort of way.